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On this week's episode of Siesta Key, we got the narration we never wanted, Garrett learned that Kelsey only ever saw him as a friend, and Chloe moved out of her mom's house and into an antique paradise of her own. Hey, it's got a pool!
Elsewhere, Alex and Kelsey went out on the worst date in history, Juliette went after Garrett and told him the truth about everything, and Paulie Paul ended up in the slammer for the tenth time in his life.
We caught up with Spencer Pratt — who was watching the show with Heidi — to talk about who did what, who just lost their ticket to season two, and whether someone should call the police before Garrett snaps and takes the whole clique out.
On Garrett's narration
"I thought Garrett was the scariest narrator. Like some psycho on YouTube who stalks families and narrates their lives. He's like Julianne Moore in Assassins."
On Alex asking Kelsey out at the boat bar
"I'm a little upset that Chloe didn't put Kelsey in charge of sadly sweeping the sand on the floor in a circle at the beachside bar. That's still my favorite scene on this show. I love that they were making Kelsey clean the backs of chairs. I think that's very humbling for a big-time, internationally-traveled supermodel. Good for her to get some real-life experience. It inspired me."
On Kelsey and Garrett's breakup (again)
"Why is Kelsey saying 'I spent six months on that friendship?' This is your moment to make us care about you guys breaking up and talk about how you loved him for six months! You were supposed to be all, 'I thought I was going to marry him,' and instead you went 'I worked hard on that six month friendship?'"
"Are you telling us that you never wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend with this dude and that you were seeing other people? And that the show's making you look like some hussy but you barely dated and you're getting played by the edit?"
On Kelsey's M.O. and whether she cries after every day of filming
"Kelsey is so confused with all these camera on her. She's running around asking 'Uh, did you record that? Wait, did you tape that? Shit!' It's like she thinks she moves too fast for the cameras, like she's not being filmed."
"No, I don't think Kelsey goes home and cries after filming. I think she goes home and she and her mom make bot accounts and tweet at me to check out her modeling portfolio."
"I felt like Kelsey showed she had no feelings at the end of that breakup. To me, it seemed lie she was saying 'I couldn't care less about that guy.' Heidi says it looked like she wanted to cry so badly for the scene but couldn't make herself."
On whether Garrett knew that Kelsey cheated on him
"Heidi loved that he had to fix his hair before the FaceTime. It was great. Poor guy. He couldn't even tell himself that she'd been cheating. He was finding out right along with the audience. When she said she didn't, he really wanted to believe her. But what does it matter? Like Kelsey said, they were just friends."
On Alex FaceTiming Juliette to tell her about his date with Kelsey
"I was trying to decide whether he would do that if there were no cameras and I think he probably does get that bored in Siesta Key and just torments these girls. I just keep wondering whether people in The Key really talk this much on the phone, because I personally don't like talking on the phone —
Heidi: You're on the phone all day long.
Yeah, but I'm filming myself. I'm not FaceTiming."
On Alex's dating style
"I don't even know why Alex bailed on Juliette for Kelsey. I feel like Juliette was ready to have his baby and let him hook up with whoever he wanted and just be his Siesta Key housewife."
"I called that he'd be going back after Madisson. As soon as he's got his new girl, he's no longer interested. I don't think he was interested in Kelsey after the gala. He just had to follow through to keep it kosher. He did sleep with Juliette in Bimini between all of this, so Kelsey couldn't think he was that invested."
On Kelsey and Alex's date
"Heidi hated that he said 'I need to go urinate' on a date. Like who says that? Heidi wants to know how does this guy get girls?"
Heidi: "I'm shocked. I have no idea how this guy gets girls. The way that he treats them! And he's not even a famous actor! I don't even know. And then when he says "I have to go urinate?" What are you, five years old? I can't even believe that came out of your mouth. That's one of the least attractive things ever."
"I just think he takes all these girls shopping for all the bait they want. I can see him taking these girls out to buy them a little something. They're not stupid. If someone wanted to buy me some jewelry, I'm not going to play smart."
On why Kelsey was so miserable on her date with Alex
"I think she realized that Garrett was going to have a much better storyline with Juliette and her time on the show was flashing before her eyes."
"Maybe she thought Garrett couldn't be on the show without her and she'd be the star because Garrett wasn't in the clique. She must have thought 'If you're not dating me, you're probably not going be on the show, so we should stay friends so we can keep filming.' Giiiiiiiiirlfriend, you messed up. That's why the friendship is so important. So they'll continue filming with each other. It's a lifeline. Who's going to film with Kelsey now that Alex doesn't want her anymore? Madisson's backing her so hardcore, though. She can film with Madisson. These two must have modeled hardcore together in New York, the way She's All That is riding for her."
On the last person in Siesta Key willing to film with Kelsey
"Who's this Judy we've never seen before? Pretty sure they got Judy below the lifeguard tower a few moments before the scene, putting on some tanning oil or something. Hey Judy, how about you tell me about your life so we know you're not a stranger? Don't pop up some new characters in major scenes! A breakup? That should be at least Chloe sitting with you. Except Chloe hates Kelsey. It would have still made more sense than Judy. But who would film with Kelsey at this point? Paulie Paul? Only Judy was left.
On Chloe and Juliette always being the bridesmaids
"I think Juliette was like 'How did I go from cool girl at the pool party, sitting on Alex's leg? How am I in an antique shop and I'm Chloe's sidekick and we're talking about how we're losers?' There was that type of energy. Don't worry, Juliette. You'll be on a reboot of Real Housewives of Miami or WAGS MIAMI real soon."
On Juliette and Garrett's budding relationship
"Heidi thinks Garrett's more attracted to Juliette than he ever was to Kelsey. He smiles at her. I think Juliette just wants a boat. She wants a boat! Oh my god, you know what this show reminds me off? Oh my god, it's the reality version of [gasps] ... we're watching Wild Things: The Reality Show. We have Neve Campbell, we have have Denise Richards, we don't have any girls making out yet, but season two Bimini — I guarantee we get that."
On #Bradisson
"My exact quote when I saw that scene was 'Is she that good of an actress?' Because she's playing the lovestruck girl out of a Jennifer Aniston movie. She definitely had me."
"But then I started trippin' because it's kinda like in the real world, would this engineering girl really ever end up going out with and dating this musician/actor/model/I forget what else is on his business card? I don't think so. Maybe this is fun for her. I think these two might be into this love affair. I don't think they'd match on the Tinder, though, if that's what the kids say these days."
On Madisson's reaction to Brandon's music
"When he hit her about what she thought of his beats and then had to compare her to his biggest hater — his mom? I was just like 'how did you just do this to him, girl?' That was one of those moments when I realized that this show has some realness on it. She hit him, honestly, like Simon Cowell. It was like Simon Cowell airing him out. If the engineering doesn't work out, she can definitely be a judge on The Voice or whatever."
"Heidi keeps saying she can't believe he got his music on MTV."
On how incestuous the Siesta Key clique is
"We need love here. We went from love triangles to love rectangles. I mean these are almost like love hexagons over here on this show. Is everyone always dating each other? It's like a weird sex club. Do they sell memberships? They should. When they describe their clique it sounds like the description of a sex club in New York."
On Chloe's taste in home furnishings
"Where is Chloe shopping for her new apartment? How old is she? That's not even where my mom shops. Definitely must have been a place that wants Siesta Key people filming at their establishment."
On Paulie's many stays in the slammer
"I need to see Paulie Paul's rap sheet. I'm sure it's going to be some Malibu's Most Wanted type petty crimes. Toilet-papering. He had 20 grams of weed? That's under an ounce. It's not even a misdemeanor in California. Florida's got some archaic laws. In California that's someone's lunch."
"Alex could not keep a straight face when he was telling his dad about Paulie Paul in jail. He thought it was so funny. I almost thought he narced out Pauly Paul for the content, called the cops to get scenes for Paulie Paul. Maybe Paulie Paul called the cops on himself to get his scene. Good work, man, you got it."
On what really happened after the Gatsby Gala
"There's 100 rooms in the house, but the rule is you have to go into Alex's bedroom and have sex with him. No changing anywhere else. We don't even know those other rooms exist. Could be alternate universes in there."
On Amanda
"Oh my god, she's just off the show now! Where's Amanda? What are those things they drink in Bimini? Bahama Mamas? Pour out one of those in Amanda's honor."
